emotion

 I'm not crying, you are!

I've just been watching videos of surprise homecomings on YouTube and for some reason when I watch them, literal tears stream down my cheeks, I really get emotional.

I've surprised my family several times myself and it is a surreal experience but that's not the topic on my blog today. The topic is emotion.

Many people think that people with autism don't feel, but that's not true. We feel but often we just have trouble expressing our emotions. I get scared and stressed, and I feel when someone is hurt or upset.

Often you will see me as strong and vibrant, but inside I'm quaking. I find it very hard to tell people that I'm not ok - it is difficult for me.

I really need to hear positive feedback for the work I do and for people to say, "Josh, how can we help you?" Like now, in Manchester, I'm trying so hard to find a job but in my field it is difficult. If only I had someone here to sit and sift through applications, to speak to agents and recruiters and to help me see what is out there, to help me manage my LinkedIn page, so it is more attractive, to meet me for a coffee once a week and just go over my feelings.

But I don't have that and I don't know how to express that I need that.

I know I need a psychologist here but I just can't afford one at the moment.

Sometimes I just want to go into an empty room and scream, "what have I done to deserve all my hardship?" I get depressed so easily. I feel I'm always running to help people and when I need the help, they are not there for me.

I'm going to go now to watch comedy, as that always cheers me up but please guys remember that I am a person with feelings.

Don't be hard on me, don't overload me. Say "Thanks Josh! You're the best! Here's a gift to say thanks."

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